06 May How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship Pattern
What do you do when you catch yourself in the same negative conversation loop with a partner, your mother, or a close friend?
You’re fighting about the same thing again and again and you’re so angry and frustrated by the inability to break through this one place where you two are at odds —
— nothing seems to ever change.
Beneath it all, whether you know it or not, you’re grieving. You’re grieving the loss of what this relationship COULD be if you could just work out this one thing.
I speak a lot about unconscious beliefs, patterns, and fears. The things that keep us bound up inside and prevent our energy from flowing naturally inside and out — especially into the work we’re meant to do on this planet.
If we’re stuck outside, we’re stuck inside. Whether we want to admit it or not.
But if you’re reading my stuff, I know you’re the type of growth-oriented person who is ready and willing to do the work, whatever it takes, in order to be the most powerful and lit-up version of yourself you know you’re capable of being.
The hardest thing about unconscious beliefs, patterns, and fears is that they are unconscious. But when we realize we’re in a maddening, relationship-killing loop with another person, this is actually a GIFT. We need to be extremely grateful it’s come up — and insatiably curious about the inner workings of it — because this is the universe pointing a giant finger at one of our unconscious beliefs, patterns, and/or fears.
If we couldn’t feel the pain of it playing outside inside of us (because we’ve numbed it out and have a lot of energy tied up in keeping it numb and unconscious), the universe knows we’ll pay attention when it’s causing relational pain.
Let me back up a second for us.
We’re always trying to get our needs met as humans. The Higher Self state will get those needs (safety, comfort, love, being heard, being seen, peace) met from within and from source and then relate from a state of wholeness and freedom, a cup overflowing from within. The Earthly Self state will try to get those needs met from outside (namely from others), relating from a state of lack and illusion of incompleteness.
If we’re in a pattern, fighting with someone we love, a need is not being met. We’re probably trying to get it met from them, and they aren’t giving up the goods. This is an opportunity to see what need isn’t getting met and drop the illusion and get it met from source and from within. Then we can go back to this relationship with energy freed-up to GIVE to them and not be in so much pain about not RECEIVING.
A pattern playing out with someone and feeling like a relationship is a constant struggle around one point is also extremely painful because we’re blocked at both ends: the need we need met is not being met within us AND now this person is not showing up to meet that need either. That person is also likely playing out the same thing in their own universe.
So double, quadruple! whammy. Recipe for both of you to be extremely triggered from a deep, DEEP source of unseen pain and unmet needs. No wonder you’re stuck.
Can we just have a moment to laugh at how silly this really is? And how human and natural and normal it is? Thank god we have this thing called consciousness, which once we remember it’s there and we sharpen it and learn to use it, we’re good. We can stop the madness.
Now back to being grateful for this coming up.
This is the universe going: “You weren’t seeing this looping inside of you, tying up all your precious, powerful life force energy that I actually need to come OUT of you to serve humanity and upgrade the whole consciousness of the planet (uh hello, we need all hands on deck here!), so I’m going to throw another person in front of you to hold up a mirror to it so you can see it for what it is and UNRAVEL it instantly with the light of your consciousness and upgrade your entire existence. Sound good?”
Here are 3 steps you can use to exit the loop with this person and upgrade your entire existence. I make no promises about what THEY do or what happens in the two-person dynamic (because you can’t control that part! Not your job!) except that it’s certain to shift and lighten because you’re going to shift and lighten.
- Break The PATTERN
I could also include “notice the pattern” as the real step 1, but if you’re reading this far, you already have noticed (amazing work, by the way) that you’re in a pattern.
Now you have to break it. This can happen at a quantum level, right away with no processing, no extended time for figuring it out, and all that stuff you think you need to do with the mind first.
You break it by drastically shifting how YOU are showing up. If you’ve accepted my invitation to be a master conscious creator of your reality by reading along here, you know you are 100% of any dynamic that is happening in your life. You are creating it from within.
The easiest way to do this is by dropping into the heart with this person. Minds get stuck in loops… hearts, not so much. Take a minute to reflect: have you been in the mind here, pointing out the details of the situation, staying in the story of what’s happening (you did this, you did that, story is always in the past and future, you can’t be fully present and have any story)?
Most likely yes. An immediate anecdote is available: drop into the heart. The heart is presence. Speak from what you’re feeling in the here and now without stepping into that person’s space anymore. Stop talking about the situation, stop trying to solve the problem, just communicate how you feel.
“I feel so sad right now. I am grieving the loss of feeling really connected to you.”
“I feel so angry and frustrated right now.”
“My heart wants nothing more than for this to work out.”
“My heart wants nothing more than your support.”
“My hearts wants nothing more than to feel our love again.”
Whatever feels right for you. This is NOT a guarantee that the person responds in kind! This is NOT going to change them. What this is just a pattern interrupt. YOU do something or say something that you’ve never done or said before.
Usually this is so vulnerable on your part and so unexpected that they will also somehow shift. An opening is made.
But most of all you stop hooking into their mind’s story and the problem-solving loop you’re in (usually trying to solve the wrong problem).
Keep in mind, they may attack your feelings! They may try to find another way to hook in and engage in battle! Then you move to step 2.
- Do what’s in your POWER
Ask yourself, what can I do to change the situation?
I see so many people give up their power because their attempts at fixing the situation aren’t working. Their partner isn’t hearing them. Their partner doesn’t change because of what they say.
That’s not in your power. Your truth doesn’t have to “land” with the other person and be accepted and honored and an immediate change is brought about because you just spoke your feelings.
#1 – You do that for you. You speak what’s alive because it needs to move for YOU.
#2 – You don’t give up power to the other person. Whether or not they change or receive it or do anything different isn’t a statement of how good or worthy or not good or not worthy you are. It’s just who they are being right now. They are on their soul’s path. You are NOT on the same soul journey, even if your Earthly journeys are heavily intertwined. The end goal is the same: oneness, light, love, connection to universal oneness, but the path to realizing that is not.
Who can YOU be? You can be compassionate, loving, present. You can demonstrate the behavior you wish to receive in the relationship. They may inspire change in them. It may not.
You can also set boundaries and remove yourself from the situation. You can decide you won’t drain your personal energy by this person or situation anymore because you respect yourself, your time, your energy, your mission on Earth, and your soul’s journey too much.
Make powerful decisions for yourself.
- Ask to see the PURPOSE
If you’re still stuck, retreat into your own space of meditation and reflection and ask your Higher Self to show you what you aren’t seeing. Ask to be shown the purpose of this situation.
What is it pointing to within YOU that you haven’t addressed yet?
This IS happening for a reason. Things don’t keep repeating for no reason — that’s an inefficient use of universal energy. It’s only happening because a powerful breakthrough is going to happen once the beings involve reclaim that energy and use it for something else.
Whenever you don’t know or see something, ask for it to be revealed to you. Place the intention of your powerful consciousness there.
And then make space to listen.
Usually the purpose of a painful repeating pattern is an opportunity to heal something across time, space, and dimension.
For example, getting into a painful pattern of me being single for 10 years and only attracting emotionally unavailable men was an opportunity for me to see that I was emotionally unavailable to myself. It was an opportunity to see that I had internalized bitterness and mistrust towards the masculine because there was a history of abandonment in my family and I was inviting men I couldn’t trust into my life in order to draw my attention to what needed healing.
Me healing my relationship to men helps my future children heal their relationships before they are even born. It heals something that actually never happened to me, but happened to my father and I was carrying it across time, space, and dimension within myself.
I had to be asked to be shown this. I had to be willing to see. I had to be willing to listen.
If you are willing, there is nothing you cannot heal yourself with the light of your own awareness.
Apply the Pattern, Power, and Purpose formula to heal yourself and free yourself from unconscious loops and spirals that are robbing you of the energy you could be using to serving the world.